Good manners are the social oil that we use to decrease friction between ourselves and our opinions and the opinions of others. Do you know someone who constantly overwhelms you, who could easily be accused (and convicted) of being rude, or who is completely intolerant of your ideas, beliefs, or feelings? Do you struggle with using good manners with them? Don’t give up!

Seven Guidelines for Good Manners

1. Manners are different from etiquette. Etiquette is simply a set of formalized instructions on how to behave in specific circumstances (which fork to use, when to be seated, etc). Manners are more related to the general notion that people should be polite and respectful of others and their opinions. Rudeness is the opposite of good manners.
2. Good manners always work to make others feel comfortable. Good manners dictate that we should work to make others feel comfortable and accepted in our presence, regardless of how their upbringing, culture, or traditions differ from ours.
3. Good manners treat everyone with proper respect. You should especially treat your closest family and friends with good manners and respect so don’t reserve good manners only for people you’re trying to impress. Show good manners to anyone and everyone. I’m particularly sensitive about showing proper respect to elderly people and insist that my children do the same.
4. Mix honesty with diplomacy and tact. Honesty is always the best policy, but never use honesty as an excuse to be hurtful. The truth may indeed hurt, but only when it’s wielded with malicious intent or complete disregard for how another person feels.
5. Good manners show consideration for others. Make it a point to do the little things such as saying “please” and “thank you,” respond promptly to invitations, and be on time. Open doors for other people, don’t rush to get in front of them in queues or lines, and THINK about how what you say could be misunderstood. Use your words and actions to show people you value them, their efforts, and their time.
6. Be flexible. Not everyone grew up with the same traditions, customs, and rules that you did. Be sensitive to local laws, and lapses, of manners. For a great site on manners abroad in executive situations check out Executive Planet. It’s filled with ideals on how to give gifts, make presentations, entertain for success, engage in polite conversations, and accepted public behaviors.
7. Good manners never humiliate. Never intentionally make anyone look bad in public. Never mock, commenting on someone’s clothes or appearance, or publicly point out someone else’s bad behavior. Seek ways to allow them to save face and avoid being ridiculed.

Good manners should always take precedence over etiquette or any other tradition or formalized dictate. Basic human kindness and thoughtfulness should always come before nitpicky rules. When in doubt, show good manners and you’ll always look your best and help others to look their best as well.

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Did you know that you’re continually choosing to ignore some things and emphasize others? Every day, you’re using what’s called “preferred perception,” and it’s a good thing you are! When crossing a busy street you’d better choose to pay attention to the traffic, and not the aroma wafting from the Italian bistro or the yapping little dog on the corner.

Unfortunately, we do this even when we don’t need to. You might enter a room and choose to notice the beautiful flooring and the people in the room, or you might decide to notice the dust in the corner and the way the molding doesn’t quite fit around the door. You can see a beautiful day with flowers smiling in the sunshine, or choose to focus on the weeds growing in the yard.

We all use preferred perception hundreds of times a day, usually without realizing it, and often without consciously controlling it.

Use elective perception to help you

You can start right now to control the way you use preferred perception, particularly where it concerns beliefs about yourself. First, recognize that most of what you assume about your abilities, or lack of them, aren’t necessarily facts cast in bronze. They’re simply beliefs. And beliefs can be changed.

How do I change my beliefs about myself?

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do I learn quickly?
• Are there examples of times when I learned something quickly?
• Has someone commented on how quickly I picked up on new information?
• Has anyone mentioned that I had a particular skill?
• Has anyone ever noticed that I had a way of dealing with situations effectively?
• Can I set something up or organize it efficiently?
• Whether it was a game, a party, a department, or just a new way of getting something done, was I able to organize it so that it did in fact get done as expected?
• Can I match people to their strengths?
• Have I ever advised anyone that they might be good at something, and it seemed to make sense to them?
• Have I ever assigned people to tasks that they felt were challenging and well suited to their abilities?
• Have I ever trained, developed, or motivated anyone?
• Have I ever trained, developed, or motivated anyone at work? In school? In a club or other social setting? On an athletic team or in some volunteer work?
• Have I ever trained, developed, or motivated my family?
• Are there instances I can remember where I communicated clearly and accurately, so that people understood what I expected of them and what they could expect of me, and where this led to something getting done that needed doing?
• Am I a logical person who has figured out practical, workable solutions to problems?
• Has anyone ever commented on that?
• Have I ever gotten people to interact with one another in harmony, in any sort of work or play?
• Have I ever pulled together a family project?
• Have I ever organized an amateur theater production?
• Have I ever organized a work assignment?
• Have I ever coached or organized a sports team?
• Have I ever pulled together a volunteer effort?
• Have I ever organized a recreational pursuit such as a vacation, or building a small structure?
• Am I creative in some way?
• Have I ever produced anything that required some creativity?
• Have I written something creative?
• Have I ever drew or sculpted? Have I ever written a song or poem?
• Have I ever created a new outlook, or a new way to approach something?
• Have I put two ideas together in a way they hadn’t been connected before?
• Have I ever figured out a way to solve a problem or find a new way of doing things?
• Did I ever think of a new game, or a new way of playing an old game?
• Can I recall instances where people acted in a way that showed they were happy to be working with me?
• Or where they told me directly that they liked to work with me?
• Or that they felt I brought a positive energy to the workplace?
• Do I have any special knowledge, talents, or experience?
• Do I have any special interests?
• Am I good with computers? With cars? With counseling?
• Do I know a lot about a particular market?
• Do I know a lot about certain process, or machine, or software?
• Do I know a lot about antiques?
• Do I know a lot about arranging travel?
• Do I know a lot about nutrition?
• Do I have a knack for sales?
• Do I have a talent for producing something in a low cost way?
• Am I a prolific producer of anything?
• Do I write better than the average person?
• Do I understand compensation systems?
• Am I a good negotiator?
• Am I good at confronting people who need to be confronted?
• Am I good at diplomacy and tact when faced with an issue?
• Do I often tend to make people feel more confident, more peaceful, more invigorated?
• Have I ever brought enthusiasm to some activity?
• Have I ever gotten past a big obstacle?
• Have I ever turned around a difficult situation?
• Have I ever learned from a mistake?
• Have I ever made some changes that weren’t easy?
• Have I ever achieved something that others recognized as requiring persistence and determination?
• In my own mind, can I see how my persistence might make me better able to relate to people, or give me credibility, or help me serve as a role model or set an example for someone?

Choose to look at the positive aspects of your personality and your abilities. Choose to look at the positives in your education, your experience, your achievements, and your future.

Stop looking at what you can’t do, and choose to focus on what you CAN.

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Experts in the field of team building recommend establishing a team charter – a document that spells out what it is the team is to accomplish, how, who is accountable for what, the boundaries of responsibilities, and a step by step action plan for achieving success. We charter yachts, planes, and teams, why don’t we charter our families – setting their direction, establishing their course, and determining (ahead of time) what principles will guide them?

Families are teams, too

Your family unit is also a team, with responsibilities to each other and to your community, your church, and your country. Maybe I missed it, but I‘ve never heard of a family establishing a family charter – a “why are we here” document that spells out the family’s goals, responsibilities, expectations, and vision for success as a family. We do this all the time with businesses, why don’t we do this with our family?

Just imagine the good could come from sitting down this weekend with your spouse and children and establishing your own family charter that defines the purpose of your “family team,” how it will work and the expected outcomes? What if you and your family established a set of “directions” that would guide each of you based on your shared values and visions of success for your family as a whole and each family member individually? Would that have any value to you?

The Family Charter

The charter must be specific enough to keep your family on track, but it should not restrictive or cumbersome. And, although there will certainly be disagreements and conflicts about the charter as it’s being developed, remember to use conflict resolution and negotiation skills to deal with any friction.

Make sure your family charter:

• Answers the question, “What is our family’s purpose?”
• Defines the values that will guide your family
• Spells out individual roles
• Sets boundaries
• Establishes the processes needed to manage familial relationships
• Encourages collaboration among family members
• Establishes responsibility and accountability
• Sets up how decisions will be made
• Addresses conflict resolution
• Sets the criteria for how success will be measured
• Identifies resources you’ll need to function successfully

I don’t currently have a family charter

But I’m going to sit down with my wife and children this weekend and open up a discussion. I plan to discuss our finances, our joint and individual goals, and our values. I also plan to discuss what and how we see our purpose as a family unit.

Additional family charter ideas

I’m planning to print ours out, frame it, and place it in a prominent area of our home. It might create discussions with others who visit on how we as a family unit view our role on this earth.

Decide as a group about how to budget for giving and insure that it matches the family’s values.

I think it would be a good idea to have each family member sign the family charter as a symbol of their agreement with the direction we’re heading.

Failing to plan is the same as planning to fail.

I’ll keep you posted on how this goes, but it’s something I’ve been turning over in my mind for quite some time.

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There is no such thing as a recession proof job.

With the incredible amount of unemployed people vying for a position and thousands more losing their jobs on a weekly basis, it makes no sense to view your job as a lock. Your employer doesn’t. Since December 2006 (quick, think back to what other significant event occurred in late 2006), unemployment rates have risen from 4.4% to 10% at the end of 2009 (Bureau of Labor Statistics).

Books about “recession proofing” your job are flying off the shelves while the REAL unemployment rate is hovering north of 16 percent. Those numbers include people who have just given up or who aren’t working full time when they wish to. Unemployment among teens, those without high school diplomas, and minorities are even higher.

Understanding what your employer wants is critical and though each employment situation is unique, there is a definite benefit to knowing how to hang on to your job. What is your employer looking for? Here’s a general list of what employers look for in candidates that are applying for positions at your company and what they want to see in you.

What employers want:

• A record of achievements that match well with your employer’s greatest wants and needs. Nothing trumps having successfully “been there, done that,” so long as it’s relevant to what your employer wants.
• Intelligence, business savvy, and a willingness to learn.
• Honesty, integrity, and decency.
• A team player who meshes well with the company’s team and can integrate with the company’s culture.
• Likability, a positive attitude, and maybe a sense of humor. Be careful here, the wrong humor can get you in trouble.
• Excellent communication skills whether speaking, writing, talking on the phone, or using email.
• Dedication, flexibility, and a willingness to go the extra mile to achieve excellence.
• A goal setter with a clear sense of purpose.
• A high level of motivation and the enthusiasm to back it up.
• Confidence and leadership with an air of equanimity.

There are no guarantees. And while there may not be any such thing as a recession proof job, by knowing what your employer wants, you might be able to save your job … or more easily find another one.

Note: This article was included in the Carnival of Personal Finance #249 at Amateur Asset Allocator!

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I scoff at the idea of haggling for a better price.

I tell you that it’s no big deal when you get incorrect change at the drive through.

I tell you there’s nothing you can do when you get passed over for a promotion … for the third time this year.

I deride you for “doing the best you can with what you have” and remind you that it probably will never be good enough. So why even try?

I tell you “that’s just the way it is,” when your car insurance rates increase.

I tell you that the doctor probably knows what he’s talking about and you don’t need a second opinion.

I heckle you to “just let it go,” when you know should stand up for yourself.

I tell you you’re not smart enough to understand anything about investing. Forget about it.

I belittle your pathetic attempts at time management. What did you buy that calendar for? You’ll never use it.

I tell you to just roll over when you get denied on your latest health insurance claim.

I tell you you probably can’t finish your degree with your work schedule and it’s not even worth it to try.

I mock you and say, “get over it, there’s nothing you can do,” when your identity is stolen.

I tell you that opening that high yield online savings account isn’t worth your time.

I tell you that creating a budget is more work than it’s worth.

I tell you that debt is normal and an emergency fund is weird.

I ridicule you for even thinking you could get a better rate on your credit card.

I tell you that hard work may pay off in the long run, but procrastination pays off now.

I tell you to stay on the couch and watch one more program.

I jeer at your attempts to learn about life insurance and convince you to put it off one more time.

I tell you to stop caring because no one else seems to.

Who am I?

I am APATHY.

I am your worst enemy. I suck the life out of your existence. I rob you of pleasure, motivation, direction, and goals. I am the King of all Vices. I take from you all your hopes and dreams and I give you nothing in return but depression and despair, vice and venom, scorn and sneers.

My mortal enemies are ACTION and PURPOSE. They disgust me to no end. Against them I have no power because they present a moving target. Though my aim isn’t very well developed, I never stop shooting the arrows of mockery at them. I also hate their cousins, PLANNING, LOVE, and RESPECT. They always show up after ACTION and PURPOSE have established their GOALS and set into motion a to do list that is easily accomplished.

Trust me, those guys are hard to live with today (but people eventually get used to them). Me? I’m easy to live with NOW, though I may cause a few problems in the future, but hey, we’re friends, right?

Right?

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