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How well do you listen to others? How well do others listen to you? This past New Year’s Eve I was at a party hosted by some friends. The food was fabulous. The music was great. And I decided to try an experiment. I decided to test how well other people listened and I was shocked at my findings.
People, in general don’t listen very well…at all. I was interrupted to the point that I decided to do nothing BUT listen to others tell me about their Christmas stories, vacations to the mountains, their Presidential picks, who would win what bowl game, and what was going on at their jobs. I didn’t take it personally, but noticed that others were interrupted too. NO ONE could finish more than 2 or 3 sentences without being interrupted. You could see people waiting to catch a pause in your speaking so they could jump in. It appeared like a sports car waiting to jump into a break in the traffic on the highway. What was going on here?
The interruptions centered on one theme. People thought they had something more important to say than anyone else in the room. They seemed to love the sound of their own voice and the stories of their own adventures. Dale Carnegie and others have written about the fact that people love to talk about themselves to anyone who will listen. The completely shy person who refuses to talk about themselves is a rare breed. What’s driving this? I think there are several factors:
What can you and I do? For one, we can learn to become better listeners ourselves. You see, listening isn’t just a need that we have, it’s a gift that we give.
So, I resolve to give the gift of listening. Here’s how I plan to do it:
1. I will cultivate a desire to listen. Listening to others is a powerful tool. If given the opportunity, the others will tell me everything I need to know. If this doesn’t create desire, I don’t know what will.
2. I will always let the other person do 70% of the talking and I will refuse to interrupt. My speaking role will come into play when I am asked a question. Besides, I get to use this blog to get things off my chest!
3. I will ask for clarification and will insure that I understand by repeating back what I heard. Once I ask a question, I will shut up and listen.
4. I will learn to read another person’s body language. Non verbal communication can account for up to 60% of the message. Tone accounts for 30 percent and the actual words used accounts for only 10%.
5. I will take notes if needed. That means I have to be prepared ahead of time!
6. I will be present in the moment. I won’t allow myself to be distracted by external or internal forces.
These will all be very difficult to do. But if I’m going to get ahead in my job, in my personal relationships, and in my life, I will have to develop superior listening skills. Imagine how you would feel if you had a friend who really, I mean really listened to you.
Become that friend.
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Someone made this great statement in his blog earlier. Let’s listen, really listen and don’t just wait to speak.
And like you said, no one seems to want to listen anymore.
I think I’ll join you in your resolution to listen.
REgards
This post of yours reminds me of a quote by Winston Churchill
“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
A very rare resolution but must say a courageous one.
Great article and a fantastic commitment to make!
In reading this I begin to think of the folks that I’ve run across, that don’t stop talking!
They may be talking about their jobs or children, what happened on their way to the slopes, or whatever happened in the news.
Sometimes they do not even take a breath. I know people like this. You probably do too.
Phillipians 2 of the Scriptures says in vs. 3 & 4 “Think of others more highly than you do yourself”.
This frame of mind is certainly not anywhere in today’s attitude.
And it is nothing but selfishness and empty conceit and thinking that what I have to say is more noteworthy than what you have to say.
Looking out for the best in others just isn’t in today’s mindset.
All to our own detriment.
I guess that’s why blogs are so neat……no one interrupts.
This is just a side element in reading your article.
Thanks
In the case of my article, it shows up by how well people listen and practice self-control when tempted to interrupt.
Sadly, we all fail on a regular basis, but we simply must keep trying!
I think that most peoples inclination to interrupt is to subconsciously remind themselves they are important. I think it’s fair to say this behavior has increased over time. The amount of commercialization of our culture has also increased. Ads with some superstar promoting some product showing how important they are, are everywhere. Now-a-days just look at Paris Hilton, or reality TV and see how inundated we are with attention hogging celebrities in our face time and time again. When a person lives in a world cluttered full of everyone one getting their 15 minutes, at some point they are gonna strive for their own relevance.
Interrupting makes you relevant.
For that brief moment you grab the audience. You have drawn attention from somewhere else unto yourself WITHOUT PERMISSION. It’s a mini ego trip. Even if what you add to the conversation doesn’t make sense, you are relevant. More over, your interruption may alter the conversations direction. Now that’s real power.
When you do add to the topic, it’s usually to show you know something others don’t, as said earlier. How many times have you heard someone say
“I’m sorry to cut you off but…”
They aren’t sorry. If they were they wouldn’t have done it or waited till your story was over. What they mean to say is “Oh wow, a chance to exert my power.” And it usually works. The laws of the social arena. All eyes on that person. It’s like members of a group discussion become both gladiator and spectator.
“Wow, look at him take the lead. Oh, my time to strike.”
I have a friend who reminds me on a regular basis of things I have said in casual conversation - sometimes years later. Some of them are funny, others pointed, others surprisingly wise… to the point where I question if I actually said them.
Capturing a concept or actual quote, then offering it back to the speaker, is a charming and affirming gift.
It has been said that “Rapt attention is the highest form of flattery.” Brian Tracey is even more pointed: “The opposite of listening is ignoring. You always listen to that which you most value. You always ignore that which you devalue.”
[...] Have You Ever Been Interrupted - I think I have interesting things to say (sometimes) and find people often tuning me out after a few sentences. At first I thought it was me, but realize it’s them! (btw - I’m part of them too) There’s some great tips here and I plan to apply much of it… [...]
[...] also discovered that I need to practice what I preach. I now find myself putting a halt to my bad habit of interrupting, as well as refusing to watch that crazy television. Hey, I have better things to do with my [...]