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Here’s an email I received from Karen (used with permission) and my response:
Hello Ron, thanks for all you have written on money and personal finances. I have been going through your archives and printing some out and sending others to friends of mine. One of these friends, I’ll call her Cloe, is about to make a really stupid decision with her money and I don’t know what to do. How do you keep someone from making a very bad personal finance decision?
If you don’t have time to answer, I understand. I hope you can tho!
My response:
Hi Karen. It sounds like you care for your friend’s well being and she’s fortunate to have someone like you on her side.
I started to ask you what the decision was, but later thought, “It doesn’t matter what the decision is. A bad decision is a bad decision!”
The real question you’re facing, since your friend is an adult is:
The answer depends on several things:
Don’t confuse “giving advice” with “stepping in.” Advising your friend before she makes the decision but allowing her to make it is entirely different than “stepping in” and forcing the issue. Many times with our children, we’re tempted to “step in” and prevent their failure, and many times we give in to that temptation, but when you’re dealing with adults, “stepping in” takes on a different meaning. It really is a judgment call.
Friends give advice all the time. Many times we just give it without being asked! I think it’s important though, when you’re dealing with adults, that you tread carefully here. Many times you can give advice by simply asking questions:
“What IS the payment going to be on that new boat?”
“Are you sure about the long term implications of this decision?”
“Can you get out of this contract if things don’t go so well at your job in the next couple of months?”
“Have you looked at any alternatives to your 6 week vacation cruise in the Greek Islands?”
“Are you going to need to make extra money because of this decision?”
Karen, I hope you can keep this one thing in mind when it comes to friends and money: Her choices on how to spend her money will never be the same as yours or mine. However, they are not wrong, they’re just different. Her choices reflect her personality, her priorities, and her passion; and she is, of course, free to make her own decisions. As a friend, all you really can do is ask some hard questions in a gentle way and hopefully steer her in a smarter direction, and hopefully, a wise direction!
[tags]children, choices, decisions, finances, money, priorities, responsibility, teaching[tags]
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Also keep in mind that what YOU think is a mistake or a bad decision may not be thought of the same by your friend. So be ready if asked to defend your position.
In all honesty, the idea of loving unconditionally does not mean that you have to be silent when a friend is making a decision that you don’t agree with. But part of the answer rests in whether or not the decision really affects you. If it doesn’t, then outside of some prompting, you have to ask yourself if you value your friendship more than the decision that they are making ( or continue to make ).
In the end, if you have lovingly expressed your opinion ( and more if it was asked for ), but a friend doesn’t heed your advice…… let them alone and let them experience the consequences of their decision. You can be just as good a friend when you help them on ” the other side”.
You can certainly say that you tihnk it’s a bad idea, but I’m not sure that I’d react all that well. I think asking questions is a good idea, and trying to remain neutral. And never saying “I told you so” if it all goes wrong. And accepting that it might not all go wrong.
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In learning that lesson, however, I did learn that there is a way to sit friends down and let them know you care about them, that because you care for them, you might suggest they do [insert action here] differently and why, and let them know that you’re there as support. Plus a dash of: Hope for the best. As plonkee says, it might not all go wrong.
This might help out the expense in perspective.
Regards