Comments on: Say I love you By Being Negative http://www.thewisdomjournal.com/Blog/say-i-love-you-by-being-negative/ Wise Choices. Improved Finances. A Better Life. Sun, 05 Feb 2012 12:01:40 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Melanie http://www.thewisdomjournal.com/Blog/say-i-love-you-by-being-negative/comment-page-1/#comment-7396 Melanie Thu, 09 Oct 2008 13:16:51 +0000 http://www.thewisdomjournal.com/Blog/?p=419#comment-7396 "Why is it so difficult to say no to our kids? I know I want them to enjoy a fruitful and fulfilling life, full of wonder, joy, play, and curiosity. Do I think that “things” will accomplish those goals for them?" I think it's slightly less magnanimous and a lot more insidious than this. Mine are 16, 13, and 11 (last one's a girl, even harder for me), and after these many years of dealing with these issues, I think the real problem is that they like me when I get them stuff. And I feel good when they like me. I've judged my husband for years on this, but only because I'm guilty of the same thing. And yeah, it's a 39 cent candy bar--on sale, I assume--but it's 39 cents that buys me some love for a very small price. After all the hours of discipline and training and essentially being the kill joy on their lives (their view not mine, I do emphasize that I'm not trying to win the Miss Congeniality title), and a KitKat gets me lots of warm fuzzies, that's what I'm really giving into. I will say this, that limited funds works-- I instituted allowances this year when we went on a budget, 5 bucks a week per kid, and cut off buying them things completely. My oldest got a job, because his expenses outpaced his income, my middle one elected direct savings transfer and just bought his Nintendo Wii, and the youngest has money all the time, as far as I can tell. You want a candy bar? Did you bring your wallet? Oh, bummer. The truth is--and they know it now-- spending OPM is different. And it's good for me to realize that they don't love me because I buy them stuff. Middle child, the thoughtful one, actually says he appreciates the way we are. He knows kids who are spoiled, he doesn't like the way they are, and he doesn't want to be that way. You can't buy that kind of insight for any price. “Why is it so difficult to say no to our kids? I know I want them to enjoy a fruitful and fulfilling life, full of wonder, joy, play, and curiosity. Do I think that “things” will accomplish those goals for them?”

I think it’s slightly less magnanimous and a lot more insidious than this. Mine are 16, 13, and 11 (last one’s a girl, even harder for me), and after these many years of dealing with these issues, I think the real problem is that they like me when I get them stuff. And I feel good when they like me. I’ve judged my husband for years on this, but only because I’m guilty of the same thing.

And yeah, it’s a 39 cent candy bar–on sale, I assume–but it’s 39 cents that buys me some love for a very small price. After all the hours of discipline and training and essentially being the kill joy on their lives (their view not mine, I do emphasize that I’m not trying to win the Miss Congeniality title), and a KitKat gets me lots of warm fuzzies, that’s what I’m really giving into.

I will say this, that limited funds works– I instituted allowances this year when we went on a budget, 5 bucks a week per kid, and cut off buying them things completely. My oldest got a job, because his expenses outpaced his income, my middle one elected direct savings transfer and just bought his Nintendo Wii, and the youngest has money all the time, as far as I can tell. You want a candy bar? Did you bring your wallet? Oh, bummer. The truth is–and they know it now– spending OPM is different.

And it’s good for me to realize that they don’t love me because I buy them stuff. Middle child, the thoughtful one, actually says he appreciates the way we are. He knows kids who are spoiled, he doesn’t like the way they are, and he doesn’t want to be that way. You can’t buy that kind of insight for any price.

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]]> By: Ron http://www.thewisdomjournal.com/Blog/say-i-love-you-by-being-negative/comment-page-1/#comment-7371 Ron Thu, 09 Oct 2008 01:25:03 +0000 http://www.thewisdomjournal.com/Blog/?p=419#comment-7371 <a href="#comment-7369" rel="nofollow">#</a>dawn→ Thanks Dawn, and you're right. It doesn't make the guilt go away, but we have to struggle to do the best we can with what we have. Giving up isn't an option and hopefully our children will learn from that example as well. #dawn→
Thanks Dawn, and you’re right. It doesn’t make the guilt go away, but we have to struggle to do the best we can with what we have. Giving up isn’t an option and hopefully our children will learn from that example as well.

]]> By: Ron http://www.thewisdomjournal.com/Blog/say-i-love-you-by-being-negative/comment-page-1/#comment-7385 Ron Wed, 08 Oct 2008 22:34:21 +0000 http://www.thewisdomjournal.com/Blog/?p=419#comment-7385 @ downwithdebt Thanks for the encouragement! It does drive me crazy the way schools impose additional charges on parents these days. My kids play multiple sports and it drives me crazy to have to pay to get in to see them. I send them to a private school and feel that I'm paying enough already! Maybe they should include those charges in the tuition... @ Jack Thanks Jack, glad you enjoyed the article. It's a lot different when you're the parent, and it's a lot different when you've the parent of multiple kids. You tend to relax, the more you have (reference Dana's comment). I think it's vitally important to continue to teach, even if you do give in to their wishes now and then. Maybe give them a set dollar amount when you go out, or give them a certain allowance and tell them to NOT ask you for money! Get 'em on a budget! @ Meg Can I nominate your teenager to be the next Secretary of the Treasury? @ AnnMarie It gets more difficult (at least in my experience) when you have more than one child…and they get old enough to out argue you… (mine are 15, 14, and 9) When they reach these years, their "requests" get much more expensive and tend to have a "monthly payment" feature. You’re right about the Massive Media Marketing Machine. Keep it far away from your little one! @ Dana I agree with the difficulty level rising as the kid count goes up. Sometimes I have caved in on little things like that candy bar only to find myself caving in on more expensive things. @ downwithdebt
Thanks for the encouragement! It does drive me crazy the way schools impose additional charges on parents these days. My kids play multiple sports and it drives me crazy to have to pay to get in to see them. I send them to a private school and feel that I’m paying enough already! Maybe they should include those charges in the tuition…

@ Jack
Thanks Jack, glad you enjoyed the article. It’s a lot different when you’re the parent, and it’s a lot different when you’ve the parent of multiple kids. You tend to relax, the more you have (reference Dana’s comment). I think it’s vitally important to continue to teach, even if you do give in to their wishes now and then. Maybe give them a set dollar amount when you go out, or give them a certain allowance and tell them to NOT ask you for money! Get ‘em on a budget!

@ Meg
Can I nominate your teenager to be the next Secretary of the Treasury?

@ AnnMarie
It gets more difficult (at least in my experience) when you have more than one child…and they get old enough to out argue you… (mine are 15, 14, and 9) When they reach these years, their “requests” get much more expensive and tend to have a “monthly payment” feature.

You’re right about the Massive Media Marketing Machine. Keep it far away from your little one!

@ Dana
I agree with the difficulty level rising as the kid count goes up. Sometimes I have caved in on little things like that candy bar only to find myself caving in on more expensive things.

]]> By: Dana http://www.thewisdomjournal.com/Blog/say-i-love-you-by-being-negative/comment-page-1/#comment-7384 Dana Wed, 08 Oct 2008 22:24:12 +0000 http://www.thewisdomjournal.com/Blog/?p=419#comment-7384 It wasn't hard for me to resist ONE child, but then with 2 then 3 then 4 things change. You mellow out as a parent and what was a strict rule becomes easier to ignore. It isn't "hard" to say the word NO, it just gets to a point that you say, Cripes--it's only a 39 cent candy bar. Know what I mean? It wasn’t hard for me to resist ONE child, but then with 2 then 3 then 4 things change. You mellow out as a parent and what was a strict rule becomes easier to ignore. It isn’t “hard” to say the word NO, it just gets to a point that you say, Cripes–it’s only a 39 cent candy bar. Know what I mean?

]]> By: AnnMarie http://www.thewisdomjournal.com/Blog/say-i-love-you-by-being-negative/comment-page-1/#comment-7376 AnnMarie Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:13:55 +0000 http://www.thewisdomjournal.com/Blog/?p=419#comment-7376 I just want to disagree that it's hard to say no to our kids. I don't find it all that difficult. My daughter is almost 4 and I have yet to have her beg for candy (or whathaveyou) at the grocery store: We simply never let it be an option. Maybe she's asked once or twice, but we just said no and dropped the conversation. She's more persistent with stuff around the house, but we are consistent there as well. If one or the other parents says no, there's no getting a different answer no matter how many times the question is asked. (Unless we realize after the first no that it was reflexive and there was no real good reason to say no, usually with something like "May I play upstairs" or "Will you read a book" type of questions.) I think a strong reason we don't have trouble with this is that she watches very little TV, absolutely no children's TV, and only sees TV ads during football. We use a TiVO and if we're watching a show that's running live, we pause during commercials and catch up after they are done. She can't desire all this stuff if she's never exposed to it. I just want to disagree that it’s hard to say no to our kids. I don’t find it all that difficult. My daughter is almost 4 and I have yet to have her beg for candy (or whathaveyou) at the grocery store: We simply never let it be an option. Maybe she’s asked once or twice, but we just said no and dropped the conversation. She’s more persistent with stuff around the house, but we are consistent there as well. If one or the other parents says no, there’s no getting a different answer no matter how many times the question is asked. (Unless we realize after the first no that it was reflexive and there was no real good reason to say no, usually with something like “May I play upstairs” or “Will you read a book” type of questions.)

I think a strong reason we don’t have trouble with this is that she watches very little TV, absolutely no children’s TV, and only sees TV ads during football. We use a TiVO and if we’re watching a show that’s running live, we pause during commercials and catch up after they are done. She can’t desire all this stuff if she’s never exposed to it.

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